A couple weeks ago this video was trending about a newly postpartum mother and how she had 17 newborn diapers lying around her house for her to pickup at the end of the night and that was to sum up her current experience of postpartum hood in that moment. It was so disheartening to see how many mother's mom shamed her for sharing this vulnerable moment that she was clearly looking for connection. I think people were truly REACHING by trying to say she was trying to normalize living in filth, let's be so foreal. Obviously to her having 17 diapers around she's making it known that it's not inherently normal or something she's proud about. Everyone experiences postpartum differently, everyone's experience at home is different. Praise be to the moms who viewed her and said well that's 17 clean diapers the baby is in and shared what their version of 17 diapers was postpartum for them. This was a moment about sharing an all time low that a mother felt in her postpartum journey. May we all offer more grace that we are given. Motherhood is one of the hardest things to embark on, everything you do is discredited and nothing you do is seen as out of this world in comparison to a simple present father. The way we raise our children falls on the mother, all the simple boundaries a mother decides to have for her babies gets told it's extra and selfish. So to join in solidarity Id like to share my version of my 17 diapers:
I didn't have 17 diapers lying around the house but my 17 diapers was taking my 2 month old to a family party ( I was already hesitant about going to a family party that soon but any reason I went looking back was simply for pleasing others unfortunately) While there a random "auntie" that I am not related to nor is related to my man (family through marriage) asked to hold my baby as soon as we walked in the door, and I was still so deep in my people pleasing self that I allowed her to hold my baby and felt like everyone was already looking at me and didn't want to say no. She didn't know my name nor my babies name, I asked my partner to get my baby back from her literally 30 seconds after I had handed him off and what I asked was brushed off as I just had handed him to her understandably although this moment just felt intuitive for me and regardless he should've just gotten the baby back. This woman sat in front of me across the dining table as I ate asking me what his name was and how old he was... ( literally why would you ask to hold a baby you don't know? its beyond me but she was married into family) aside the point, as she is sitting and cuddling my baby in front of me asking me mindless questions about this baby she knows nothing of, she kissed my baby's face right in front of me. My entire being filled with rage, I felt so many emotions. I felt like a failure as a mother to protect my baby, I could feel the tears welling in my eyes and didn't want to cause a scene so I left the room, cried in the bathroom, and realizing I couldn't gain my composure I had to go to the car. I FUCKING LEFT MY BABY IN THAT HOUSE. My partner was still in there and took the baby from her and while I was gone and passed him to someone trusted as he came out to console me but I was so enraged. I felt like I had this intuitive feeling to take him away from her yet it was ignored and I had so much guilt weighing on me of all the ways I wish I could've changed the situation. I screamed at my partner telling him he should've grabbed him when I asked in the first place, I was also mad at myself that I should've just said no. I asked myself what kind of mother was I to let some random person to me hold my baby let alone leave him in that same house because I couldn't get myself together to take him away. Yeah in a way that lady was family but she held no weight to me nor the family I created. She was simply a stranger at the end of the day. Coming from a culture where we have to love everyone like family, building your own makes you realize that not everyone deserves the accessibility they desire. I should've been more firm in my boundaries, I should've pressed her in that moment, all the things I could've said or did crossed my mind etc. but it was what it was and in the moment it all happened so fast and my emotions were too high for me to even get a word out. I am so appreciative for my partner regardless of the situation, we were able to talk about the situation and rather he just listened to me and understood my feelings in that moment and vowed for it to never happen again. I think in some ways it grew us together as parents and partners. Does that moment still enrage me, thinking about it yes but looking forward I am able to move with more confidence and know that my partner and I are on the same terms. Also DONT FUCKING KISS OTHER PEOPLES BABIES!!!